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D/s Relationships: A Convo between Danielle Blunt and Emmy Lewis

OCTOBER 13, 2020 BY MISTRESSBLUNT

Like any relationship, D/s relationships can be both rewarding and challenging. In this interview I chat with Emmy Lewis, my former submissive, about our relationship, D/s dynamics, D/s breakups, service submission, and masochism. We talk about our evolving relationship over the past five years and her current offering as a professional submissive.

Mistress Blunt: I’m Mistress Blunt. I am a New York City based pro-domme, and I’m here today with Emmy.  Emmy, do you want to introduce yourself? 

Emmy: Hi, I’m Emmy Lewis. I am  a pro-switch in New York City. 

Mistress Blunt: I know, it’s so good to see you! And I just got to see you a little while ago too.  That was really sweet. 

Emmy: We had a lovely walk! 

Mistress Blunt: Yes. A lovely autumnal walk in the park. 

Emmy: With puppies. 

Mistress Blunt: Yes, all of the puppies. We can talk about puppy play later too. Because I do know you love that. 

Emmy: I have this great video you filmed. We had a puppy tail plug that we tried to put it in, but we couldn’t. And so, you were just hitting my ass with the puppy tail like an impact toy!

Mistress Blunt: Was this the dissaranged puppy scene? 

Emmy: That was the disarranged puppy scene. 

Mistress Blunt: Oh, my God, you have to send me the video. 

Emmy: I will, I will! 

Mistress Blunt: Okay, so, clearly, we have a lot of history. So, maybe a good place to start would be… I’m Danielle Blunt, and this is my former submissive, Emmy Lewis. So, I would love to start by asking you how we met, and why you decided to reach out to me in the first place for a professional dominatrix session?

Emmy: So, we met in, what was it, 2015? 

Mistress Blunt: I think so. Yeah. Wow. 

Emmy: 2015. And I had reached out to you online. I’d known that I was kinky for a long time, but was just starting to come into having confidence to play with people. But I am a pretty excellent masochist. 

Mistress Blunt: I can confirm. 

Emmy: I played with a whole bunch of different people. But I kept having the experience of people telling me that they knew how to do a certain skill set, like pain play, when they absolutely didn’t. The situation would go wrong- I was playing with people who didn’t know they were doing. I had to start cutting my boundaries, and saying “I have to do lighter scenes,” and not getting the things I needed. 

Mistress Blunt: You didn’t want lighter scenes– you wanted better tops?

Emmy: Yes, exactly. And I was looking at kink spaces online, and I came across a bunch of pictures of you and your website. You have this aesthetic that I really love- witchy mischievousness, elegant. And you also had lots and lots of photos with intense toys, like single tails. 

Mistress Blunt: You like the single tail. 

Emmy: I actually have an Audrey Ryan drawing in my apartment of you with a whip, and one of you sitting in a chair. And one of your foot on my face. 

Mistress Blunt: You’re the subject of a lot of the art that I have hanging in my play space, especially those very bruised tits of yours. 

Emmy: The birthday bruises. 

Mistress Blunt: Birthday bruises are so important!

Emmy: They’re so important. And so, I followed links that you had, and found your website. And read your whole thing. 

Mistress Blunt: Like a good girl! 

Emmy: Yes, I have now learned as a pro sub it is wonderful when people read all of your stuff. (laughs)

Mistress Blunt: Take note, reader. (laughs)

Emmy: And so, I reached out to you. I filled out your submission form. I thought really hard about all my answers. I was taking it very seriously. Because I really was in desperate need of sadomasochistic release and catharsis. And we got in touch, and I met you at this little beautiful dungeon that used to exist. 

Mistress Blunt: My lower-east side space. Yeah. 

Emmy: It was so gorgeous, it was such a gorgeous little apartment dungeon. And then, we had a  very… god I was so nervous, we had a pretty basic scene with a few implements and mostly spanking. But really hard and intensely. One of the first few times we played, you really hit my chest hard. I discovered that is a body part for me that brings up a lot of emotion. 

Mistress Blunt: Yeah, I know where you’re talking about. There’s a lot of emotion stored there. Especially, on you, particularly, it is a very effective body part to play with. 

And I remember your initial inquiry was very thoughtful. And I feel like people who actually do thoughtfully fill out my contact form, I’m like, “Oh, we will have a good time together.” I feel like I have more queer folks coming to see me for professional domination sessions. But at the time, this was five or six years ago, I had less women seeing me for pro-Domme sessions.

I’ve also hired sex workers. And I feel like it’s something that’s not talked a lot about in queer  community, and is starting to be talked about more. So, I would love if you could talk a little bit about  what that was like? Reaching out to a sex worker as a woman. Was there any stigma, or shame associated with it, or did you just know what you needed? 

Emmy: Part column A, part column B. There’s these two parts of me, one that’s indigant to rules.  And then, another part of me that’s very afraid of embarrassing myself. I did lose a friendship at one point, after telling somebody that I was playing with a Domme. They thought it was weird and abnormal. That was hard, but I let them go. Because I thought what they were saying was bullshit. Especially when I was doing something that felt so healthy. 

My relationship with you did so much brain healing, where I learned healthy coping mechanisms through kink. 

Mistress Blunt: I remembered working on that with you. I love the idea that kink can be healing. Any activity can be healing, depending on what your intention is. And I don’t consider myself a healer, because I think everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves, and heal in community. I remember your inquiry, I think we worked a lot on life boundaries. Not letting… 

Emmy: I used to let people walk all over me!

Mistress Blunt: Yeah, not letting a submissive tendency be taken advantage of. Will you talk a bit about that?

Emmy: Sure. So, for a long time, I have had really intense issues with anxiety and depression, which you witnessed fluctuate. 

It still fluctuates. There is a lot of physical effects on my body. Tension, and breathing issues. And often, my submissive qualities coming out at detrimental times. Two things happened when we played together: physical tension was released from impact and pain, and mental tension was released through submission. Being able to relax into a submissive mindset, instead of being dragged into it. Handing over control gives you a lot of control.

Mistress Blunt: Right! And I feel like it creates a container for it. So, there’s this space for the submissive parts of your personality, which is very genuine and authentic, and we can play with them in a safer space that we worked on cultivating together. I’m sure both of us made mistakes in the creation of that space. But there’s that trust that you can figure it out. And that this is someone that you want to continue creating that space with. 

Emmy: Everybody makes mistakes! (laughs) 

Mistress Blunt and her personal submissive

D/s relationships and service

Mistress Blunt: So, skipping ahead a little bit, our relationship turned from one of very contained sessions into a more personal D/s  relationship, where…

Emmy: Came service. 

Mistress Blunt: Right. And you fucking earned that! I feel like everyone is just like, expects that like, “Oh, She’s so lucky! How do I get to do that? I’ll do one session, and then I’ll have access.” And it’s ridiculous. You were a very big part of my life, and you earned more by making yourself indispensable. And really doing the work, and working, and growing together. I would love to hear you talk about service and your relationship to it. One thing that you have said to me was that cleaning my house was like church for you! 

Emmy: Oh, YES. 

Mistress Blunt: And I would love to hear what  made you feel that way? It sounds like you reached an altered state of consciousness through service. 

Emmy: Completely! And I want to underline that service, and the progress of our relationship, was never something that was set out for. 

Mistress Blunt: I was inviting you to more things, and I wanted you there. 

Emmy: Yes! It often would take me by surprise sometimes. Honestly, it came from how fucking special I think you are. I think at the time we were beginning to deal with SESTA-FOSTA, and I got to see what an incredible activist you are, and how fucking brilliant you are. I saw you command rooms when I would go to events with you, I would read what you wrote. And god, I love your art! 

Mistress Blunt: You’re going to make me cry now. 

Emmy: Good. 

Mistress Blunt: I’m not even a crier. 

Emmy: Good. I’m glad. 

Mistress Blunt: See, she is a switch. 

Emmy: There were so many things that just made me want to support you. And so, when you asked me to do things to help you, I was eager to. There was a few big tasks that really established our service dynamic. (laughs) One was  bringing salmon uptown during a marathon! 

Mistress Blunt: Our ongoing joke is that she’s allergic to fish. I have so many food allergies of my own. I would ask if she wanted to try something I cooked, forgetting her allergy, and she’s like, “Is this the time I die? Is this the time you choose for me to go?” and I would reply, “That’s so romantic, but go find something else to do.”

Emmy: That was fun. That was delightful. 

So service in a D/s relationship… I do have this innate thing as a submissive of really enjoying being a support, or a pillar in somebody’s success and wellbeing. It’s both sexy and personally fulfilling. Whenever I was serving, especially cleaning and taking care of your space, I could fall into a meditative state, very similar to yoga. I would go through a flow in your house. 

Mistress Blunt: I will say I would love to come back and see you napping. I’d come back, and you weren’t allowed on the bed or the furniture. So, you’d be  curled up on the sheep skin like a little angel. I was just like, “My little heart.” 

Emmy: I would just pass out after cleaning!

Mistress Blunt: You needed it! You did what you need to do. 

Emmy: But sometimes service would leave me, (and will leave you, dear reader), in a really energized state, like you just went for a good run. 

Mistress Blunt: And you are an incredible masseuse! I like to joke that you got radicalized by massage YouTube. 

Emmy: It’s true.

Mistress Blunt: You’re a phenomenal masseuse. 

Emmy: Thank you. 

Mistress Blunt: And it’s something that when people ask me now like, “Oh, what can I do to be a useful or better  submissive?” And literally, just learn how to give a good fucking massage, and you will be the most sought-after service sub. 

Emmy: I have sent so many Domme friends of mine lists of good videos for their submissive to watch. 

Mistress Blunt: Massage and Bootblacking are two really beautiful and useful skills, especially, if you’re in community, and you’re going to be in community spaces. It gives you something to do at a party if you feel awkward. Or it gives you something to offer someone if you’re interested in low stakes, facilitating play, or you want to talk about it first. And it’s  really lovely, if someone’s interested. 

Emmy: It’s a good party trick. 

Mistress Blunt: Yeah, in summary, it’s a good party trick! But so many people don’t know, newbies don’t know what to do with themselves when going into new kink spaces. And I feel like having something that you can actually offer someone, something that’s for them, rather than necessarily your own personal desire, is really amazing. It’s beautiful. 

Emmy: It was wonderful to be able to offer that to you and your friends. I met so many people being a service offered at your parties. 

Mistress Blunt: I’m a good hostess. 

Emmy: I would just go around giving massages around the playroom. 

Mistress Blunt: You were coveted. 

Emmy: It’s an extremely useful skill, I would recommend every submissive. Learn how to massage! Also, learn how to cook a really good basic breakfast. Perfect your egg technique. You don’t want to give your Domme a few accidentally overcooked eggs. 

BDSM marks

Crying in BDSM Scenes

Mistress Blunt: So, I would love to talk about crying. 

Emmy: If you don’t mind me having a little cry.

Mistress Blunt: I know, well, we both know you’re a crier. 

Emmy: I know. 

Mistress Blunt: You can cry over this. It’s one thing I love about you. 

Emmy: It drives me insane. 

Mistress Blunt: Really? It’s so beautiful though. 

Emmy: I feel like it’s too easy for me to cry. 

Mistress Blunt: We’ve actually had lots of conversations about crying. 

Emmy: Yes. Lots of conversations. 

Mistress Blunt: Lots of conversations about crying, where we had to have a conversation because you do cry so freely.  Let’s do it in a positive framing. When we were having intense conversations, it was at first, hard for me to not be influenced by that in a way that I don’t think you needed it to. And I think we came to an understanding of this is just what your body does.

Emmy: Yeah. Which is why it drives me insane, that it’s such a quick  stressor response for me.

Mistress Blunt: And I feel like that communication around that, I’m just using the crying as an example. But I feel like for me, having you explain that, this just comes quicker. I feel like for some people, crying is cathartic. And for some people, crying can be something different, like this is too much, it needs to stop. 

And I feel like for you, it’s on the opposite side of that. This might just happen. And we can keep going.  And I learned to trust you that you would let me know when it was outside of your threshold of  tolerability. 

Emmy: But sometimes it’s very stressful to have lack of control over the emotions on your face. I feel like I have a face where a lot people can really easily read what I’m thinking, or what I’m feeling. 

Mistress Blunt: But that’s also such a benefit, in some ways, especially as a professional submissive. You’re pretty easy to read and so expressive! You’re super emotive, and expressive, and I feel like incredibly good at stating your boundaries, and knowing what they are. And I feel like some of the verbalization that we did around communicating, and figuring out that was helpful for me, too. I learned a lot from that process of having those conversations within a D/s relationship. 

Professional Submissive, Emmy Lewis

What skills can be learned in a D/s relationship?

Mistress Blunt: (laughs) I’m curious, what do you think about having been mine, and training with me, and the evolution of our relationship in both personal play, and your professional switch life? What do you think you learned, tangible things that you think, or just things that you’re good at? Where are you at now? 

Emmy: Oh, I acquired so many skill sets, especially with learning how to communicate in scenes. Not thinking somebody might guess, but actively using my safe words. I have no issues using my goddamn safe words. 

Mistress Blunt: That’s a good skill! I feel like there are so many classes on topping skills for dominants and not enough for submissives. You should teach a class. You are a very good submissive, and part of that is because you feel comfortable saying your safe word. And I know when you’ve played with me, and it goes beyond safe words. You’re just a good communicator. Sometimes you’re  just like, “Oh, mercy on this,” and we’d take off the nipple clamp, and then just can continue for another two hours. And I think that that type of communication, and being able to receive it, doesn’t necessarily mean that the scene stops, unless it needs to. And I feel like you can communicate really well in both of those ways, which makes playing with you really fun. 

Emmy: One of the most important things as a submissive is being comfortable with your safe word! I think mercy, or yellow, or words of that kind, are way underutilized. 

Mistress Blunt: I totally agree. How would you explain to someone how you use “mercy” as safe word? 

Emmy: My saying mercy means either things are getting too intense and the top needs to slow down, or that I have reached my pain threshold. Slow down, switch it up, check in.

Mistress Blunt: I feel like the place that I trained was like, I’m doing air quotes, “we don’t use safe words.” But they used mercy like people use Red/Yellow/Green. There was communication. 

That’s just something that makes sense to me. I also very rarely do consensual non-consent scenes. So, mercy, to me, is very much the word I use to check in during a scene. But of course, I am going to stop if someone says “red”. To me there is a huge difference between “Oh, Mistress, please show mercy on my nipples,” where I’m going to go take the nipple clamps off and check in to see if we want to continue the scene. 

Versus someone screaming, “MERCY” means I’m going to stop immediately and check in on them, and see what’s going on.  And see if this scene needs to stop, or if maybe, their skin pinched between rope, and they shot out of subspace. Or if they’re just like, “Fuck this, I can’t do it anymore. I’m totally out of it.” And I’m  like, “Great. Let’s take that off. What do you need?” 

Emmy: People often don’t realize is that our bodies and minds change every day. What you can take and what you want can change every day. One day, I could take a huge, bruisy, hard beating. And then, another day, a light flogging, and nipple clamps. 

Mistress Blunt: And I think your emotional state can often dictate what you want or need from a scene. I’m thinking of the scene that we did after you had someone in a different professional life say something really horrible to you. Do you want to talk a little bit about that? Because that felt very intense and psychological. 

Emmy: This is the one where you wrote on me, right? 

Mistress Blunt: Yeah, that was the one. 

Emmy: Yeah, we have beautiful pictures. So I work in a variety of different performing arts, several different mediums.  And a good amount of time is spent with yourhair, makeup, and body being  scrutinized. And I have a gorgeous curvy figure, which when we first met, I had very negative feelings towards. And a lot of that would be exacerbated by work. That particular day, I had an experience where somebody who I was working with said something really just mean and condescending about my body, and about my curviness. 

I felt collapsed. Crushed, and then we were  going to play that evening. And obviously, I’ve always very naked.

Mistress Blunt: Your uniform. Your uniform was mascara, pigtails with red bows, your collar, and nothing else. 

Emmy: It evolved over time! It started because I realized  after we played the first few  times, that my hair was getting in the fucking way. And so, I came to you once with a ponytail, and you’re like,  “Oh, I like that ponytail.”

Mistress Blunt: I was like, “I was going to string you up by that!” 

Emmy: Yup. And then, the next time, it was two ponytails. 

Mistress Blunt: And I was like, “I’m going to string you up by both.” (laughs)

Emmy: And then, I would always bring you red ribbons. And so we ended up putting them in my hair.

Can you tell I don’t take ADHD medication anymore? 

Mistress Blunt: Me neither.

Emmy: So that day, I came in, and undressed, but I think you could see very clearly that I wasn’t feeling well…. 

Mistress Blunt: I think you said something to me. You did a good job communicating, and you’re like, “I am excited to play. I just want you to know  that this just happened.” Or I asked you what was going on. 

Emmy: I might have been tearing up a bit as I’m known to do. 

Mistress Blunt: This post is going to be called Emmy the crier. 

Emmy: Oh, God! Oh, no. 

Mistress Blunt: It’s a selling point!

Emmy: But people will try so hard to make me cry. They’ll know my secret! They’ll know my dark secret… 

So anyways, this scene. You took lipstick, I think. I was pointing out all the parts in my body that I was angry at, because of this fucking woman. And first you gave me an over the knee spanking. It allowed me to hide for a little bit, stuff my face in pillows, and just…

Well, just let us both be. And we stayed there for 40  minutes. And then, you took my lipstick and wrote numbers all over my body. And then, wrote “Mistress loves them all” in the middle. 

Wax and knife play

Conflict in D/s Relationships

Mistress Blunt: I love that scene. And I love the photos from that scene. They’re so sweet.  

I feel like we’re talking about all of the really good and transformative parts of our relationship. But I also want to be realistic and share a realistic portrait, that there’s points of conflict, and parts that have been difficult.  And I wonder if you’d be interested in reflecting on any of that . I’m also thinking of when I released you from service and we decided to transition out of the D/s aspects of our relationship. It was a very challenging thing. And for me, I love you, you’re part of my leather family, and I will always know you. But it felt like I saw you not getting some of the things that you needed. And I felt that your desire to be good,  and to serve might prolong something where you weren’t getting your needs met. 

Emmy: Yeah, I think we reached a point in our lives where we both had so much going on, where our relationship became more and more difficult to maintain. I would get very stressed about not having the time to get everything that I wanted done done. And at the same time, because this is how life goes, you were experiencing a shit ton of stress in your life and your work. 

A good thing for subs to think about when they’re in a D/s relationship, is the fact that  sometimes your Dom will have a multitude of interpersonal relationships that they have to pay attention to all the time, especially if they’re a professional. So many relationships, so many people’s emotions to juggle. 

And we reached the point where I was so stressed about not being good enough. And you felt so  stressed about not being able to provide the space, and the reassurance, and the time to play.

Mistress Blunt: Yeah. 

Emmy: Does that sound right? 

Mistress Blunt: Yeah. I think that’s a very astute and concise summary of it was it felt like. That I no longer had the ability to provide you with what you needed, and that your desire to be good made you overlook that to some extent. And I felt it didn’t feel fair to me to reap the benefits of your beautiful, devoted service, when I knew some of your needs weren’t being met, and when I knew how many beautiful experiences would be coming to you in the very near future if that space were opened. 

Emmy: It was like a graduation! 

Mistress Blunt: I like that! 

Emmy: At first it was a hard-few weeks of withdrawal from service and our D/s dynamic. 

Service was this grounding thing for me, and your apartment was where I spent a lot of my time. And so we took a break from each other, where I mentally reestablished my grounding, of what my day-to-day was going to look like. 

Transferring that meditative quality of cleaning your apartment before you came home from a session, and then massaging your feet until you fell asleep, into other outlets. Playing with new people, or having really fun pro-sessions, or tidying up my own place, or writing. 

It was a time of graduation and transition. And we had this amazing day a month later, where you gifted me these leather boots that are very, very, very special to me. 

Mistress Blunt: I love gifted leather.

Emmy: That felt like a diploma, kind of. 

Mistress Blunt: I’m imagining you walking across a stage, in nothing but the leather, and getting a certificate… 

Emmy: It was a time to reflect on all of the things that I’d learned, and I think you learned. I was really proud. I am really proud of all the things that we accomplished together. 

Mistress Blunt:  I feel like D/s relationships, and breakups aren’t spoken about enough. 

Emmy: No, you’re right. A D/s relationship breakup, it’s different. 

Mistress Blunt: Yeah, it’s very different. I definitely tried to still maintain my boundaries while being cognizant of what a shift no longer serving me would be for you. And try to be supportive of you finding new things to get your needs met with. 

Emmy: And we had slips and falls. I was really afraid of losing relationships that I had built, of mutual friendships. But that didn’t end up happening, because our friends are amazing. 

Mistress Blunt: Right. First of all, no one is perfect. Everyone fucks up. And breakups within a community can be brutal. 

Emmy: We’ve seen that! 

Mistress Blunt: Yeah, and I’m like, “Emmy is amazing. Everyone should know Emmy.” And I think it feels important to talk about some of the pitfalls and hiccups that we got into. I feel really blessed that we are both good communicators, and able to take space when we need it, and come back together in a way that feels really healthy and beautiful. I’m really grateful for that. And I feel I have seen you grow so much in the last year. And I’m so excited that you’re offering pro submissive sessions, because anyone who plays with you is super fucking lucky. 

Emmy: They really are. 

Mistress Blunt: I fucking love powerful submissives. I don’t want to dominate someone who’s not my equal. And I feel that strength that you have makes you a really fucking good bottom. People, if you ever get the chance to play with someone I’ve trained…

Emmy: You’re so sweet. Submissives should want that in a dominant, the dominant should see you as an equal. It’s not that power exchange relationship dynamics are make believe, or play acting. You’re not pretending, or putting on a role. But I, personally, don’t think it should be the case of giving away your power, as much as gifting it.

Mistress Blunt: I don’t want to take anything from someone, which is a reason I very rarely do consensual non-consent play. I’m like, “Oh, that’s interesting. I’ll just sit here and wait until you’re ready to admit that that’s what you want, and give it to me.” 

Emmy: You’re very good at that. 

Dominatrix, Mistress Blunt, with her personal submissive.

Photography in D/s Relationships

Mistress Blunt: We took a lot of pictures together. I would love to hear you talk about that. Because I came up in kink taking photos. So, for me, it was really fun to be able to do that and that you were excited about me photographing you! I feel like it was fun and sexy for me to create an artifact, but I feel it had a very different meaning to you.

Emmy: I love being photographed by you. To me, it is somewhat similar to being marked. 

Mistress Blunt: A photograph is a mark.

Emmy: Yes. 

Mistress Blunt: And a history. I love that relating it to marks. It’s like a memory. I feel it helps with integration somatically, what  you learned while you’re playing with a dominatrix. You’re literally wearing something that is on your body, or you have a photograph that reminds you that this is a thing that happened, that I did, that I’m  so strong, and look at this photo. Look at this mark. I’m so proud.

And so many people, so many queer people,  tell me that seeing photos of me playing with you, made them reach out to me, or if they didn’t see me for a professional session, were very integral to then being like, “Oh, that’s something that I can do too.” 

Emmy: We became a presence online.

Mistress Blunt: A power couple.

And just sharing, I felt like it was fun for me to share that. I feel like that type of power in a submissive woman should be highlighted, and  celebrated, and a joyful thing. It’s not seen so much. And I feel we had fun with sharing that part, and the feedback that we were receiving about it was fun too! 

Emmy: Submission makes you feel strong. 

Mistress Blunt: I feel so privileged to be able to have this conversation with you. And that we’ve  both been able to have so many different evolutions of our relationship. And it feels like something  that’s both very queer, and very deep in leather history, to be able to have these different permutations of relationships that don’t just end when things change. But you can just have love and care for what was and what could come. 

Emmy: Think of all we could do if  we all allow our relationships, including our vanilla relationships, to evolve. 

Mistress Blunt: And evolution is so natural. Literally, there’re so many different ways to be in relation to others. D/s relationships are one way. And even within that, there are so many different ways to embody, to play with power, and be with each other. 

Emmy: Agreed. 

Mistress Blunt: I love you! 

Emmy: I love you too!

Interested in staying in touch with Emmy? You can follow her on Twitter here.

Want a more intimate look into my personal relationships? Follow me on my AVN Stars or OnlyFans.  Don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter and for those who feel inspired by the above interview, reach out.

Original post can be found on Mistress Blunt’s Blog here.


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Old Guard BDSM

I learned a lot about power through my “classical” Dominatrix training. Unfortunately, a lot of it was through watching how power was misused. I trained at a ‘world renowned, old-guard, classical BDSM training chateau’. The kind that respects protocol, leather history, and hierarchies. The kind that isolates itself from other BDSM communities, the kind of place that calls itself “the best” without meaningfully engaging in other things.

I found a formalized BDSM structure and community before I even knew what BDSM stood for. It quite literally fell into my lap and gave me language for my interest in power play. Despite the ambivalence I now hold towards my old-guard BDSM upbringing, there is a reason I was drawn to it. I get a certain sexual satisfaction on structure and rules, primarily on making them. The ability to create a world that serves you and your needs is a powerful skill to hone, and an incredibly dangerous weapon if you aren’t open to accountability when your methods harm others.

“Old-Guard” BDSM of the 1950’s takes its strict protocol and aesthetics from formalized military code and biker culture. “New-Guard” BDSM evolved out of the many social and cultural changes leading into the 1980’s. But, as with most things, it isn’t really a simple binary. Most kinksters pull from kink history and from their personal history to create something that works for them, and for many others, not a lot of thoughtfulness goes into it at all.

I recently saw a tweet by Mistrix Sade which said, “I am decidedly NOT a ‘classical’ Dominatrix. And proud of that. I am an experimental one: a modern, de-constructivist sensory artist, and power exchange practitioner. Question everything, especially the ‘old school.’” I, for one, love the idea of an experimental dominatrix, the idea that we are always growing. That we are not infallible. The last few years, I’ve been thinking of my play as that of a curious scientist. Collecting data. Doing experiments. And learning.

Kink doesn’t have to look a particular way or adhere to certain structures or language. To me, kink should be expansive. It is about exploration, connection, and finding attunement with a partner. A good scene comes from engagement, communication, and a flow of energy between the top and the bottom. A good scene comes from knowing yourself and your desires and taking the time to find a partner who has similar interests. A good scene is an act of co-creation, where both the top and the bottom are engaged, empowered to share their needs and desires, and ultimately enjoying themselves.

~ Danielle Blunt


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Featured Artist Interview: Amber Amante

To kick off (and kink off) the re-start of our Featured Artist Interviews, we have an endlessly fascinating switch player and one of the newest Artists to be featured on AOD – Amber Amante! Let’s get to know her…

Amber, a huge welcome to AOD! What brought you here?
Thank you! I’m super excited to be here! I’ve been kinky in my personal life for over 8 years now, as a player, educator, and party promoter. A few months ago, AoD babe Mandie Rae suggested that I try my hand at playing professionally, and I’ve been hooked ever since!

I always love asking this question – How did you find out you were kinky?
I met this cute guy at a Halloween party, and he messaged me on AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) and asked me if I liked bondage. I had no idea what bondage was, but I said I was open to trying it after he explained what it was. I went over his house, and he tied me up with rope, and I couldn’t get enough. He would go on to introduce me to impact play and power exchange, and he eventually became the first person I ever had sex with (yes, I explored kink before I explored sex!). I got into the public kink scene in NYC 8 years ago, exclusively as a bottom, but I picked up topping once cute people with great butts started to ask me to hurt them.

I understand…butts are pretty tempting! You are a top-leaning switch now. What does that mean?
I started playing with kink as a bottom, but when I discovered topping, I fell in love with it. I still bottom in some instances and to some people, but I strongly prefer to be the person in control of the action. For me, submitting is an occasional treat whereas domination is my passion every day.

It’s often difficult to get in the mind of someone who is naturally dominant to find their submissive side, especially for new partners. So tell us, what pushes your submission buttons?
I’m really into objectification as a submissive: I want to be reduced to my usefulness. I like being given tasks or challenges to complete that will make the person dominating me happy. Maybe I’m just here to look pretty. Maybe I’m just meant to hold your drink. Maybe I’m just here to struggle and beg for your amusement.

Seems like when it’s not done well, it could be diminishing and hurtful. What tips can you give your partners to build a happy and healthy scene around you bottoming?
I think that all of my best scenes as a bottom start with a conversation about what turns me on and what makes me feel comfortable; I want to know that my partners care about me and my needs, even if the scene that we’re about to do will be more structured around their needs. I also think checking in during the scene is super helpful. Lean in, grab my hair, and growl into my ear, “Do you like that?” or “Can you take more for me?”. I’ll answer truthfully, and if I say no, you can ask me to do something else without ruining the moment. I don’t like being set up to fail. At the end of the scene, I want to know that I did a good job, and it’s really helpful when my partners tell me what they enjoyed about our scene.

You told me you are moving to Boston soon. When do you leave us?
I touch down on August 26th.

What are you excited for in Boston?
I’m most excited about meeting new people, making new friends (and getting into all sorts of trouble with those friends), and finding new dessert places! I have a wicked sweet tooth.

Do you have any fun plans for the rest of August in NYC?
The rest of August is a whirlwind of activity! I’m hosting a private kink party this weekend, going to another play party the following week, and hosting my own going away party before I move to Boston.

People new to the scene are always asking how to get into play parties. Any advice?
Yes! So much advice. If you’re between the ages of 18 and 35, check out your local TNG (that stands for The Next Generation) chapter. You can often find TNG chapters and their events on Fetlife (it’s like a kinky Facebook). TNG often has events that cater to newbies. If you’re outside of the TNG age range, I recommend joining Fetlife and searching for munches in your area. A munch is a low pressure meet-up at a restaurant where folks who are kinky (or curious about kink) can come together and chat with likeminded people. Munches are great because there’s no pressure to play because you’re in a restaurant; you really *shouldn’t* be playing there. Munches allow you to meet people who are new as well as people who are more experienced, and you can usually ask the more experienced folks what parties they recommend, and then you can get a sense of specific play parties before actually checking them out. Once you’ve heard about a play party that sounds appealing to you, you can find the entry requirements (some parties want you to register online, some parties want to get a sense of your experience with kinky spaces, some parties want you to come with a buddy, etc.) and go, go, go!

You mentioned that you are a kink educator. What topics are you especially passionate about sharing?
Sure thing! I teach sex education and fetish classes on a variety of topics, but my favorite subjects to teach are co-topping (two Dommes, 1 sub), fisting, urethral insertions, deepthroating, and strap-on play.

What’s on your kink agenda? Any scenes in the works that you are excited about?
Yes! I’m getting the chance to reconnect with one of my favorite playmates this month; she really lets me take her to dark places. I love using this altitude training mask on her; it allows me to restrict the amount of air she can take in without having to use one (or both) of my hands to cover her nose and mouth, which means I can beat her and throw her around without having to worry about her breathing more than I want her to. We also tend to do a lot of fear play: I threaten her with things that terrify her, like cattle prods and stun guns, and I delight in her (futile) attempts to flee.

In your profile, you list “fear play” as a like for Domming. Can you tell us more about that? What can a potential new partner except from you in this realm?
Just reading this question made me hungry for fear haha. For me, fear play refers to scenes in which someone allows me to play with the things that scare them. It’s very individualized because one person’s fears and phobias aren’t necessarily the same as the next person’s. When someone is interested in exploring fear play with me, I ask them what scares them (common answers include pain, electricity, being unable to breathe, and needles) and then I ask them how much I can force them to confront their fear. For example, I have a play partner who is terrified of needles. He wouldn’t let me pierce him, but he would let me hold an uncapped needle against his skin. I would get on top of him and pin him down, and hold the needle against his chest and tell him that he should be careful about struggling…he might prick himself. It was a great predicament because he was so terrified of needles that his thoughts would be consumed with getting away, but he also desperately didn’t want to get stuck by accident either.

Diabolical! That sounds like it can get pretty intense. How do you balance that out in a scene?
I’m here for visceral reactions and vulnerability. I don’t want it to feel real; I want it to BE real. Real pain, real fear, real catharsis, real laughter, real joy. Kink and BDSM offers unique opportunities for deep connection and vulnerability, and I want to take full advantage of those.

I also hear you have a particular adoration for GS play, both giving and receiving. Tell us more!
My earliest memory is of being potty trained; I remember turning around, picking up the potty and drinking from it. These days, I’m a bit more selective about drinking piss, but I adore playing with it. I love the sound of a strong stream of piss hitting a toilet or the ground or a person. I love feeling its warmth hit my skin. I love that groan of release that someone makes when they finally relieve themselves after holding it in for a while. I love covering my partners in my pee, marking them as mine in that moment. I love forcing someone to drink several bottles of water and then making them beg me to pee. I love peeing in fancy glassware and forcing someone to drink it. If I’m feeling especially mean, I’ll put it in the fridge before making them taste it. I could go on and on about this, but the “too long, didn’t read” version is that I have a lifelong love affair with watersports.

I’m sure that’s an affair other people would love to partake in! (GS lovers, take note!)
Tell us more about your hobbies outside of kink play. What do you enjoy doing in your time away from kink?

One of them is pretty obvious from my pictures: body modification. I love tattoos and piercings of all sorts, and I’m hoping to have most of my body tattooed. I’m also looking into getting a cutting/flesh removal at some point, but I haven’t decided on the design or the location just yet. In addition to putting art on my physical canvas, I’m really into making (musical) art. I’m a classically-trained musician; I’ve been playing the clarinet for 10 years now. Each year, I get a season subscription to the NY Philharmonic because listening to classical music performed live sends chills up and down my spine. On a less artistic note, I love playing the Sims (The Sims 3 is the best iteration of the game; I will fight you on that)! Maybe it’s just an extension of my desire to control people, but I love creating storylines and playing out the lives of simulated humans.

Now that’s a fun idea for a scene! A Sims Domme…haha! Have you ever thought about orchestrating and controlling a group of people just like Sims…like, dungeon Sims?
I’ve never thought about that before, but it could be hot! I like the idea of turning down the “Free Will” function on people haha (for those of you who don’t play the Sims, the amount of free will the simulation humans have is adjustable based on the player’s preferences). It seems like it might be hard in real life though because I use the pause button pretty aggressively while playing the game; it’s hard to pause people in real life!

Sign me up to be a Sims slave! ;-)

Let’s conclude on that high note! Amber, we are so excited to get to know you. I hope NYC can show you a good dose of kinkiness before you leave us for Boston! And New Englanders, please welcome her with sweets and gifts of your fear and tears. We know she’ll relish both!

Check out her Artist profile here, and email her at meetamberamante@gmail.com to set up an unforgettable scene!


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The 5 “Love Languages”

Do you know about the “5 Love Languages”?

A framework developed by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman, the five love languages are a way of categorizing the way different people like to show and receive affection.

1. Words of Affirmation: Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

2. Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

3. Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

4. Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

5. Physical Touch: This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

 

The descriptions to the right are taken from an interview with Dr. Chapman that you can read here.

 

 

Why am I bringing this up?

Yesterday I had a tattoo appointment. My artist & I both love cooking, and he made us dinner while he worked on me. I felt so appreciated and cared for enjoying the meal he made for us after an intense tattoo session & realized cooking is a huge aspect of my love language!

My love language is a combo mostly of ‘acts of service’ with a little bit of ‘gift giving’, really – both giving & receiving.  This doesn’t mean the other ways of showing affection mean nothing to me – I’m also super into touch & quality time, and of course like hearing words of affirmation!

However, acts of service are the most natural feeling way for me to feel appreciated or show that I care. If you’ve ever had my cooking, you know.

So… it’s all a little pop psychology-y… but I think important and useful info can definitely be gleaned from this way of looking at things.

I’ve found learning about each language an incredibly useful way to learn how to show affection with each of my partners, friends, lovers and clients in a way that feels natural and meaningful to them.

For example – my partner of several years. Her love language is physical touch! I can get a little wrapped up in the cerebral side of things, forget I’m on planet Earth, etc. (if you want to get into more pop-psychology-but-maybe-there’s-actually-something-to-it you can blame the Libra in me) – and I had to put a lot of intention into learning to ground myself and engage in physical touch with her during every day activities like talking, cooking, shopping, etc…. not just while cuddling or having sex or sleeping next to each other.

Or, take one of my submissive playmates, whose language is ‘words of affirmation’. Hearing “you’re a good boy”, or “good job!” or “thank you, you’ve been so helpful” (that’s us getting both our itches scratched at the same time!) – is what makes him feel the warmest and fuzziest and most appreciated.

Being able to put a name to these different ways of showing affection has vastly improved my communication in different relationships, and in turn, the relationships themselves. We’ll all of course have our native language, but there’s something to be said for all the opportunities of communication opened by being polylingual!

 

 

~Robin Ardeur

 

 

 

 

 

 

To book Robin, check out her Artist profile!


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ASK US: What does a real life D/s relationship look like outside of the dungeon?

  • lilkat
  • September 8, 2017
  • Q&A

What’s a D/s relationship truly like? I want to know if it’s purely bondage and kneeling at someone’s feet. What should a master truly be like? Can you not be boyfriend and girlfriend if you’re master and pet? What about marriage? Is it superficial to give rings if you already have the collar and key? What are the basics of a contract? Is love involved in a D/s relationship? Is it purely physical? Please help. I’m trying to understand what a master and submissive relationship looks like in the real world outside of a dungeon. What does a couple look like?

-Confused Dominant Mistress

 

Well, CDM, a D/s relationship involves as much or as little bondage and kneeling as the participants desire or can physically tolerate. The basis of a relationship between a Dominant and submissive is power exchange. The activities that power exchange couples enjoy together are meant to enhance the feeling of control that one partner has over the other, either literally–with restrictive bondage–or symbolically–with a collar. The goal is to choose fetishes, activities, and tools that allow the Dominant to feel dominant and the submissive to feel submissive. When both of these things happen, a really intimate bond is formed.

This bond will look different for every unique, kinky couple, so it shouldn’t be any surprise that no two Masters look alike either. New Tops in the scene might follow the lead of more experienced players or popular stereotypes, but regardless of how cool they look in the dungeon, they probably won’t feel completely ‘dominant’ until they discover their own style of play and a partner who is eager to accept it. Not every Master wants to be called ‘Oh Most Worshipful One’ 24/7 either, especially in front of, say, her mom and dad or vanilla coworkers. It’s ok for Master and pet to enjoy and share their lives outside of kink together, or for the level of power exchange to ebb and flow depending on mood and context. It’s also ok for relationships to exist in a kinky context only, but both parties should be fully aware of these boundaries and the limitations of the roles they will play in each other’s lives.

For this reason, giving wedding rings as tokens of marriage might not be superficial at all. True D/s relationships vary greatly, from individuals that merely scene together, to life partners who raise a family together. A balance of freedom and fulfillment is needed to achieve a D/s relationship that exists outside of the dungeon, and it can be achieved through a huge amounts of respect and communication. Oddly enough, these are key ingredients for falling in love as well. Romance is honestly not so different on the kinky side!! It just hurts better.

~ Margot


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New Film Explores Wonder Woman’s Origins In BDSM And Feminist Kink

“Wonder Woman is one of DC Comic’s most iconic heroes. She’s more popular than ever after the record-smashing success of this year’s Wonder Woman movie. But not many people know about the character’s origins in BDSM and kink.

A new film by director Angela Robinson, Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, hopes to change that…”

link: http://www.konbini.com/us/entertainment/angela-robinson-profesor-marston-wonder-woman-origins/


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COMMUNICATION IS SEXY: MOANS, GROANS, AND FEEDBACK

Communication is the introduction to every fulfilling encounter. I begin our interaction with email because it gives us both a chance to compose our thoughts, without the pressure of time imposed on every word. (Plus, candidly: I’m a Millenial and talking on the phone stresses me out. We don’t call each other unless something is gravely wrong!)

Far from being impersonal, the written word is a reminder of handwritten notes of devotion from days gone by… It’s an important way of getting to know each other and builds the framework of how we’ll communicate when we meet. Our first, digital interactions are a sweet aphrodisiac.

When we meet in the flesh, that communication is renewed. Though we may feel the urge to tear each other’s clothes off, we take a breath, a few moments. We introduce ourselves; it may feel like we already know each other. Maybe it feels like we’re perfect strangers. Both are jolts of excitement. Either way, we’ll have already chatted about some of what will happen… but we aren’t sure how exactly the dice will fall, especially when we’re exploring a new experience.

This is why ongoing communication is so necessary and so sexy among play partners, whether we are well known to each other or experiencing the new buddings of desire.

I want to know how you feel. I want to know what you’re deeply enjoying, what’s pleasant, and what might not be working for you. Everyone is different, and I don’t assume that you’ll enjoy every single thing that we explore. I want to find what drives you. This is why every kind of feedback begets greater intimacy.

My intention is to give you the confidence to communication with me freely, to let me know where you are, how you’re feeling. For me, that’s the greatest pleasure of having another creature with you in your moment of pleasure: we get to talk, laugh, flirt, and tell one another how it’s all feeling.

So, why are we all so quiet? Trust me, it isn’t just you.

I was recently speaking with my cohort Charli Gallo regarding the subject of quiet sex. I said it was a habit I had to unlearn as an adult, and she confirmed my experience. …and how many play parties, orgies, and naked birthday parties have we been to together?! It clearly isn’t a matter of experience that taught us to be so tongue-tied.

I suspect many of us have similar roots in our learned habit of sexual self-censorship.

In our first experiences of masturbation, it is very likely there was someone sharing the room, or close by down the hall. Lacking privacy, we bit pillows, our hands, hid beneath the blankets to find our solitude. As we grew older, we locked ourselves in bathrooms and locker room stalls to find a few peaceful moments of quiet during puberty. Old habits die hard.

If you were raised religious, like I was, or as a woman, like I was, those things add additional layers of shame and the drive to conceal your desire and the pursuit of pleasure to the mix.

I know where I learned to hide my voice.

Summer camp. Funny how our shared fantasies grow from realities. I bunked in a cabin in the woods of Maine with six girls and our counselor. I couldn’t spend six weeks keeping my hands to myself every night, so I learned how to be quiet.

I separated pleasure from sound, touch from expression. It took me me years to begin to unravel this teenage habit.

Now, I take great pleasure in hearing myself gasp, growl, yelp with enjoyment, no less than in telling my partner to move their head or their hand to give me greater pleasure. It turns me on to hear you turned on.

If this is an experience you relate to, know that I don’t expect you to unlearn it on your own.

What I want you to know is my desire to hear from you – in your affect, your sighing, your moaning, the way your body responds. I want to create a space where you can experience your body, our bodies, and the great pleasures we have to offer each other without worry or shame.


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Why Some People Love Getting Their Penises Tortured

“If you told someone with a penis that you were going to scratch, slap, or tie up their genitals, chances are, they’d recoil at the mere thought of the pain. But, there are also people out there who wouldn’t just withstand that agony; they’d love it. They enjoy a kink based on this specific kind of pleasure: cock-and-ball torture (CBT)…”

link: http://www.refinery29.com/cock-and-ball-torture-cbt-meaning


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